


A Murder Most Fowl

by kimberlyeab



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Dark Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-22 21:36:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23234107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimberlyeab/pseuds/kimberlyeab
Summary: You don't kill a client everyday, especially a Manehattan investment banker. When Gavar does, he scours the city for a way to hide the body. Thankfully, the deceased's spirit is there to help. They'll do whatever to ensure Gavar remains clean and his line of work, gay prostitution, concealed.
Kudos: 1





	A Murder Most Fowl

My little misadventure started with a crack. It was a sickening crack, the kind of crack that you would never want to hear. It was the loud, violent, and brutal crack of a neck.

In an instant, my gaze fell away from the headboard and down to the client I was currently knot deep in. My heart dropped as I was met by a pair of lifeless eyes, staring up at me in a macabre half-orgasmic craze. My talon was locked around his throat like a vice, and as I released it, I saw splotches of gruesome black and purple. Unnatural formations of muscle and bone bulged outwards, looking sickly.

This is what I got for indulging a client. The guy had a breathplay fetish and had managed to wipe away my hesitations about partaking in it with a nice little bonus on my usual rate. I should’ve said no, I should’ve tried to press the fact that I was inexperienced and ill-equipped at sating his forbidden little desires.

I really should’ve listened to my gut.

“Hey… you alright?” I asked, smiling nervously, hoping beyond hope that this wasn’t nearly as bad as it looked. “I didn’t get too rough, did I?”

No response came and my smile faded in an instant. All at once the blood drained from my face as the weight of the situation hit me, crashing down with all the gravity that came with murder.

“Fuck.”

I had just killed a client.

“Fuck!”

I jerked back, pulling forcefully out of his ass and drawing away.

“Stupid fucking ponies, with their stupid fucking gryphon kinks.” I glared at my client’s corpse, mocking his tone. “Oh, I know you don’t have any experience with this but how about some extra bits to choke the shit out of me.” I growled and pulled away, running a talon through my crown of feathers. “I am so fucked.”

I was going to go to jail.

“So, so fucked.”

A chill ran up my spine as something dawned on me. Not only would I be going to jail but everybody back home would hear the news and know that I was moonlighting as a prostitute, and a gay prostitute at that. I could see the headlines now, _Gavar,_ _Disgraced Son of Gryphon Baron and Professional Faggot, Found Knot Deep Inside of a Dead Wall Street Investment Banker._

I rushed towards the bathroom, flipping up the toilet’s lid and spilling my lunch.

This is what I got for wanting to study in Equestria. Should’ve stayed in the Gryphon lands, taken some courses at the Imperial University in Gryphonheim. But no, my stupid closeted ass decided that I needed to go to Equestria and experience a little self-discovery.

“Stupid fucking ponies,” I growled, flushing away my bile as I wiped at my beak. “What the fuck am I going to do now?”

I leaned against the bathtub, staring vacantly at the ceiling. There was no way I could just leave the body here. The dude had talked about having a wife and foals, and I couldn’t just let them discover him like this. Plus, there was the matter of the very pronounced claw marks around his neck. I knew the chances of them tying those to me were slim but it still made me nervous.

“I got to hide the body,” I mumbled to myself, drumming my claws against the tub.

A grim chuckle came from the bedroom. “You sure do.”

I felt a knot in my throat as my eyes snapped open and I stared into the bedroom. The body was still motionless upon the bed.

Who the fuck had said that?

“What the fuck?” I muttered to myself.

I got up and cautiously walked out of the bathroom, looking left and right. There wasn’t any sign of some hidden voyeur.

The chuckle barked again and my eyes fell on the corpse, watching as its chest rose and fell shallowly.

“No way,” I said, taking a step back and pressing myself against the wall. “You’re still…”

“Relax kid,” my client said, sitting up slowly. His head lolled to the side; his neck unable to support it. “You’re just going insane.”

I paled. “So, you’re still…”

“Incredibly dead?” he asked, offering a sickening grin.

“Y-yeah?”

“Yes, I’m still as dead as a doorknob.” He chuckled grimly. “Not going to lie, you did a fucking number on me.”

I growled and took a menacing step towards him. “Well that’s what you get when you ask me to get out of my comfort zone.”

“Could’ve turned down the money,” he said.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Yeah, turn down a few hundred extra bits, easy thing to say to someone who’s trying to afford rent on the island.”

My client shrugged. “At the very least, you could’ve been safer about it.”

“Safer?” I laughed. “Why didn’t you tell me how to do it safely before we got into this mess. Let me guess…” I rolled my eyes. “Because that would’ve fucked with your boner for having a big strong gryphon take total control and dominate you.”

“It did feel pretty great,” he admitted. “Definitely a good way to go out. Shame I didn’t get a chance to cum.” He frowned and prodded at his still rock-hard erection. “Yeah, they’re totally going to need to go with a closed casket for this one, unless…” he looked at me, “do you know if an erection fades after death?”

“I… I don’t know?” I exhaled in frustration and buried my face into my talons. “I don’t want to go to jail.”

“And that’s why I’m here, dumbass.” My client waved his hoof, getting me to focus on him once again. “I’m going to help you hide my body.”

I blinked at the sheer surrealness of that statement. “Pardon?”

“Look, we all make mistakes kid, and I don’t want this one ruining the rest of your life. I’ll admit, this little mishap is mostly on me and I want to do a little favour for you.”

“This… can’t be happening.” I snorted. “How do I know you’re even real?”

My client shrugged again. “Honestly, you have no way of knowing. Maybe I’m a merciful spirit, maybe I’m your last two rational brain cells rubbing desperately together, or maybe I’m just some wise angel who has a soft spot for handsome gryphon whores. Are you really going to look a gift horse in the mouth?”

To punctuate this point, he opened his mouth nice and wide, beaming his pearly whites. They did nothing to settle my anxieties.

Something within my snapped. There was no way this was happening. I paused for a moment and closed my eyes, taking the deepest breath I could manage.

Wake up, wake up, wake up. This is just some incredibly stupid and vivid nightmare. Wake up, Gavar.

When I opened my eyes, I was still in that bedroom and my client was merely smiling at me.

“Fuck it,” I breathed. “It’s not like I honestly have a better plan.”

He chuckled and flopped back on the bed. “That a sport. Now the first thing you want to do is open my closet.”

I nodded and walked over, opening it. Inside, were a few expensive suits, a collection of extremely boring ties, and a steel lockbox shoved in the very back.

“Look in the pocket of the beige suit,” my client instructed.

I did just that, finding a key.

“No way,” I whispered, before glancing back at him. My heart skipped a beat as I noticed that the corpse had returned to its previous position, motionless, with vacant eyes.

And a still impressively hard erection.

I looked at the key and then to the lockbox, opening it without pause. Inside were all sorts of documents.

My client’s voice returned. “I was a smart cookie. Made sure to take down the contact information of all the hookers, whores, and callboys I hired. You know, just a little insurance in case one of them decided to rob me blind or…”

I snorted. “Or snap your neck?”

“Yeah.”

I looked at the thick stack of documents, rifling through them. What started as idle curiosity turned to awe as I noted the sheer volume of sex this guy was paying for. It seemed like half the male whores in Manehattan had visited this guy at one time or another.

He chuckled. “The joys of making seven figures when your wife only thinks you make six.”

I shook my head. “That’s kind of fucked up dude.”

“Do you think this is honestly the time or place to be judgemental?” he asked, snorting.

I frowned. “Point taken.”

Eventually, I came upon my own papers, which consisted of a couple pages of neatly typed notes. They listed a bunch of information about myself, including things I had never given him, including my real name, address, and what I did when I wasn’t selling myself.

I shuddered and looked back, confirming he was still a corpse.

“Creep,” I grumbled under my breath.

The document also had a detailed list of encounters with him, including one which pointed to tonight, a damning piece of evidence indeed.

“That should just about cover your ass,” my client said. “Burn that and the cops will have no way of knowing you and I have ever been in contact.”

As I glanced back, he had reanimated again, sitting up and popping a few stiff joints. I had never liked the sound, but it was nothing compared to the hideous crunching as he moved his neck, causing broke bones and muscles to grind violently against each other, making my stomach churn.

He smirked. “Now we got to figure out what to do with my body.”

“Can’t I just leave you here?” I asked, waving the document.

His smile instantly faded. “And let my foals come home to find daddy dead in bed with an erection? Come on dude, I did you a solid.”

“You also got me into this situation,” I growled.

He nodded. “Alright, alright. How about this. If you help me hide my body, then I’ll let you in on a little secret.”

“What kind of secret?” I asked, cocking a brow.

“The kind that would ensure that the rest of your schooling in Manehattan was paid for.” He pawed at his bed. “Wouldn’t that be a nice weight lifted from your shoulders?”

I whistled. “I’ll admit, that’s actually a pretty good secret.”

Was I honestly trying to strike up a deal with a corpse? That wasn’t what a sane or rational creature did.

Suddenly, I started chuckling to myself, drawing forth a quizzical look from my client.

This also wasn’t really the kind of environment which fostered an especially sane mindset.

“Alright, I’ll help you out,” I finally said, shoving the documents into my saddlebag.

“Fantastic.” My client clapped his hooves together. “Alright, so here’s what you’re going to do…”

* * *

When we had been within the safety of his home, this plan had sounded flimsy but doable. Now that I was outside, I could see just how terrible my judgement was.

How the fuck was I supposed to not look suspicious being a gryphon walking through a wealthy pony neighbourhood at two in the morning? That alone was a pretty hefty red flag. But add onto that, the fact that I had a very full burlap sack and I suddenly became a walking stop and frisk.

“I am so going to jail,” I grumbled. “I look like an advert for a home invasion.”

“No, you’re not,” the bag responded. “Any sensible ponies are asleep and the police don’t really have a good reason to be around these parts. This is a pretty safe neighbourhood, full of sane ponies. You’re in the clear.”

“Sane ponies?” I snorted. “You mean like yourself?”

“Don’t snap at me,” the bag grumbled. “We all make mistakes.”

“Whatever.” I looked around, seeing nothing but a row of nearly identical houses. “Are we close to this park, yet?”

“Two blocks forward, then three blocks right. It’s a nice place, has a playground, lots of paths, a couple of nice deep ponds to dump a body into. All around it’s a good place to take the entire family.”

I snorted. “Thank fuck for that. And you’re sure the police won’t find out about this?”

The bag shuffled and I felt my client nod. “Or if they do, they’ll have no way of knowing you’re attached to it. Well… as long as you take care of that document properly.”

“I’m burning that fucker as soon as I get home.”

“Good choice.”

I tensed as we passed a house that still had some lights on, glancing at the various illuminated windows. My heart skipped a beat as I saw movement, but thankfully, the pony was simply moving from one room to another and they didn’t bother to look outside.

“You’re tense,” my client said.

I couldn’t help but bark laughter. “No shit? It’s almost like I’m hauling a dead body through a residential neighbourhood or something.” I snorted. “I swear to the gods, if this is the way everyone back home learns I’m a fag…”

My client gasped. “Your family doesn’t know?”

I slapped a talon over my face and groaned. “No.”

“You really should tell them,” my client said. “Your parents at the very least deserve to know.”

“Look…” I pulled my talon away from my face and waved it in a wide gesture. “Things are different in the gryphon lands. They aren’t as accepting as you ponies. Why do you think I came to Equestria in the first place?”

My client chuckled. “Well, Manehattan was a pretty good choice. Let me tell you, no other city has a gay scene quite like this. I spent a month in Canterlot and gods that place fucking sucked. Any queers in that shithole are so far up their asses that they don’t even need you to fuck them, since they’re so good at doing it to themselves.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “I don’t think they’re all that bad.”

“Oh really?”

I nodded. “Had a threesome with a couple who was visiting from Canterlot once.”

“Were they cute?”

“They were…” I shook my head. “Look let’s focus here.”

“Oh right…” he paused for a moment. “So, you’re still in the closet back home?”

I growled. “I meant about hiding your stupid ass, dude.”

“Ohhhhh…” I could practically feel the eyeroll through the burlap. “I mean you already know the entire plan. At this point, I’m just here to make small talk.”

“Well I suck at small talk,” I grumbled.

He snorted. “You are such a liar. Half your job is making small talk.” An ice-cold hoof prodded at my withers. “You forget that I’m very familiar with your trade. I know that it's mostly just customer service work, with the added benefit of being able to tell a customer to fuck off.”

“Look can we just focus on not getting caught?”

“Sure, sure, I’ll be nice and quiet. You just lead the way.”

I nodded and sighed in relief as a blissful silence greeted me. It was kind of nice, giving me a chance to think and lament the fact that I currently had a corpse on my back and was very likely losing my mind. Oh, oh, and of course it allowed me to think about the significant chance that I might get caught and go to…

“Ok let’s talk!” I exclaimed, barking panicked laughter. “Talking sounds like an excellent idea.” Another laugh. “What do you want to talk about?”

My client chuckled. “So…”

* * *

I looked left and right, feeling a tension crawl along my spine. The path ahead was heavily forested, flanked by a thick foliage on either side. And no matter how much my client attempted to calm me, I couldn’t help but feel like a police squad was going to jump out of the bushes and arrest my stupid ass.

“Nice park,” I said, hoping that a conversation would help distract me, if only a little. “Did you come here often?”

The bag shuffled as I felt my client nod. “Yeah, when the foals were growing up, I took them here about once a week.”

I winced, remembering that this corpse had foals. “Were you close?”

“Back then, yeah.” He chuckled. “Then I got a job that absorbed me for about sixty hours a week. Started to see them less and less until well… until there was this kind of barrier between us. You know what I mean?”

I nodded, knowing it well. It kind of sounded like my relationship with my own father. When you were nobility, the affairs of your demesne often outweighed the responsibility to one’s own family.

My client went on. “Then things got tense between me and Sapphire.”

“Is that your wife?”

He chuckled. “Was.”

“Was?” I promptly winced. “Oh right… you’re dead.”

“Honestly, I’m kind of glad you offed me, stud. Sure, they’ll be heartbroken, but, well… they’ll never have to learn that I’ve been seeing whores and we can save everypony the hassle of a court case and alimony. She’ll get everything, move on, maybe marry a stallion who doesn’t try and drown his failure as a husband and father in cheap gay prostitutes.”

“Cheap?” I snorted, forcefully nudging the burlap sack with a wing. “I’d like to think I charge high class rates.”

“Oh, you don’t know the first thing about high class. Sure, you’re the type of prostitute a stallion might visit while he’s in town. But the real good ones, the top tier whores, those studs get shipped from city to city and make more in a day than you’ll see in a month.”

I frowned. “You’ve wounded my pride.”

“And you’ve wounded me in a lot more gruesome manner, kid.” My client snorted. “Learn to take your knocks.”

I took another turn on the path, stopping dead in my tracks as raw terror clenched at my gullet. Right ahead of me were three creatures, two ponies and a fellow gryphon. Their presence was bad enough, but the fact that one pony and the gryphon were in uniform, was even worse.

My legs refused to move, my chest denying me the ability to breath. All I could feel was the overbearing presence of doom. I had made it this far but my luck had apparently just run out.

“They don’t see you,” my client hissed. “You can still hide.”

He was right, they seemed involved in a conversation of their own. But still I was just frozen in place, unable to so much as put one paw in front of the other.

The entourage drew closer and somehow, they failed to notice me, seemingly too engrossed with their own affairs. Their conversation seemed animated, with the two officers nodding along as the civilian made frantic gestures. Occasionally, the civilian would laugh, probably cracking a joke, but the two officers didn’t seem even remotely amused.

By some miracle they entered earshot, and yet, they still hadn’t noticed me. But that hardly mattered, my stupid legs, my idiotic muscles, refused to budge, meaning it would only be a matter of time before they saw me standing there in the dark, petrified and guilty.

“So, where did they mug you?” the pony officer asked.

The civilian shook her head. “Over by Two Princess Bridge.”

My client whistled softly and all the hairs stuck up on my back. I wanted to whisper for him to shut the fuck up but then I remembered that his presence was likely one hundred percent within my own head.

“Two Princess Bridge is like two miles from here,” my client said in his usual speaking voice. The fact that neither officer looked over confirmed my suspicions.

I wanted to ask why that was important but knew that my voice was still very real.

“Do you know who the muggers worked for?” the gryphon officer asked. “Were they from the Jacobins?”

The civilian shrugged. “No idea, it's not like I know every associate working in Manehattan. Wouldn’t put it past them though.” She chuckled nervously. “But like… we’re cool right? You both know that this wasn’t my fault.”

The two cops exchanged a look before the uniformed pony looked at the civilian. “We will look into your description Swift, but…”

Swift grinned nervously, tugging at the drawstrings of her hoodie. “But?”

“This isn’t your first time losing a shipment,” the gryphon said, looking around. “And this wasn’t like you lost a dime bag either, you lost…”

He made eye contact with me, his eyes widening. However, before he could call out, his partner, still ignorant of my presence, moved quicker, using his magic to pull out a gun and blast a slug right through Swift’s skull.

“And the Don isn’t the kind of mare who likes to lose out on that much cocaine.” the pony officer said.

“Flint,” the gryphon hissed, pointing at me. “You just executed her in front of a witness.”

Flint whipped around and looked at me. “Oh fuck.” He motioned towards me with the barrel of the gun. “What the fuck, dude? Couldn’t you have at least warned us that you were watching?”

“I didn’t see anything,” I pleaded, taking a step back. “I was just taking a walk!”

“That’s bullshit,” my client said, chuckling softly before speaking to himself “Taken out in a mob hit? I’ll take that narrative, sounds kind of dramatic.”

“Shut up,” I hissed before looking at the confused mobsters. “Not you just…”

Oh right, should probably try and look a smidge saner than I actually was.

Flint moved forward another step, training his revolver on my head. For a moment, I thought he’d fire but he instead cracked a perverted little smile. In an instant, he moved the gun away from me, holstering it.

“What the fuck,” Flint’s partner growled. “Blow this motherfucker away, he’s a witness!”

Flint shook his head. “That won’t be necessary, Growler.” He nodded towards me. “Look at what the kid has on his back.”

Growler leaned forward and looked at me, tilting his head to the side before chuckling to himself and looking back at Flint. “You got so lucky.”

I tried to speak but felt my mouth suddenly very dry. I swallowed once and took a deep breath. “So, you’re not going to kill me?”

Flint shrugged. “Not unless you give us a reason to?” His horn glowed as he promptly flung Swift’s body into the bush. “So, can we count on your discretion?”

I nodded quickly. “S-sure thing.”

I wasn’t going to die?

The two phoney cops walked towards me, making sure to take a wide berth as they passed.

“Oh, and a word of warning,” Flint said before using his magic to prod at the burlap sack on my back. “Your bag is dripping.” He smiled fondly. “Is this your first hit?”

I nodded weakly.

Growler chuckled. “Hope you got some soda water at home. Only way I’ve been able to reliably get blood out of my feathers.”

And just like that, the two of them walked away, leaving me alone once again.

“Well you sure as fuck lucked out,” my client said, letting out an amused chuckled. “Glad you were the one rutting me tonight.”

I sighed, feeling my terrified legs quivering. “Why’s that?”

“I probably would’ve broken my dick when it hit that horseshoe shoved so far up your ass.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, feeling my strength slowly return as I took another step forward.

“So how far away are we from that fucking pond?” I asked.

* * *

Time did funny things when you have a corpse on your back. The combination of nerves, exhaustion, and a general overbearing anxiety at the thought of getting caught all seemed to combine and press upon my psyche. Together, they seemed to make every minute drag out and feel like it lasted for a grueling hour.

But finally, with the moon still high in the sky, we came to our destination.

It wasn’t much, but it was my promised land, a medium sized pond of black water that rippled in the slight night time breeze.

“Tonight’s been… interesting,” I said.

My client chuckled. “That’s one way of putting it.”

“So, where do you keep your secret stash of cash?” I asked.

“Pardon?”

I looked over my shoulder, jabbing a talon into the bag. “You said that if I busted my ass, taking you all the way out here, you’d lead me in the direction of your emergency stash.”

There was a moment of silence then my client started shuddering. It took me a moment to realize he was laughing his ass off.

“I did tell you that didn’t I.” He drew in a raspy breath. “I uh… ok so don’t be mad.”

I felt my stomach drop. “You mother…”

“Look, I’m a lot of things,” he went on, “a bad father, a bad husband, I sleep with whores, and I make money off of one hell of a broken system. But I am not some crazy asshole who has some lockbox hidden in the woods full of hundred-bit notes.” He sighed. “Unfortunately, all my money is locked up in bonds and stocks, you know… where they can actually earn me money.”

“You motherfucker,” I growled. “I busted my ass, dragging your sorry corpse out here, listened to your bullshit for like three hours, almost got my head blown off by a pair of mobsters, and what do I get?”

My client snorted. “One hell of a story that you’ll take to the grave?’

“Asshole,” I grumbled.

“I mean to be fair, I’m an asshole your frayed little psyche is dreaming up. It’s not like I actually did those things?”

I chuckled. “Oh, come on, this isn’t all me. There has to be something supernatural going on here. Admit it, you’re helping me from beyond the grave.”

My client shook his broken head. “Nope, this is literally all on you, buddy.”

“B-but the key? How would I have known about those documents?”

“What can I say, you’re a regular Sherclop Holmes.” He paused. “Who apparently has an ego issue if he’s comparing himself to Sherclop Holmes.”

“So, just like Sherclop Holmes then,” I muttered, sighing.

We just stood there for a moment, both of us silent. I stared out at the water, allowing the bag to fall to the ground. There was no grunt or sound of dismay from the contents within, as the only thing inside was a very dead corpse.

“Are you going to yeet me into the water?” my client asked, his voice within my mind.

I nodded. “I’m going to yeet you into the water.”

I grabbed the burlap sack and spread my powerful wings, taking off. It was a short flight, to the centre of the pond, where I deposited my cargo, letting it plunge into the water and sink nice and deep.

Then, with a sigh, I landed and drew in a haggard breath.

It was going to be a long trip home.

I turned back to the path and just as I was about to take my first step…

A pony burst out of the brush with a gun held in her magic. And for the second time that night, it was aimed right at my head.

“Freeze,” she screamed.

It was a cop.

I snapped my talons high into the air and groaned. “Fuck.”

She took a step towards me, sneering as she spoke. “You’re under arrest for the murder of Swift Pace.”

My eyes widened. “Wait, what?”

No, no, no. This wasn’t happening.

“That wasn’t me,” I said, waving my talons. “That was that other gryphon. Not me!”

The cop looked at me and rolled her eyes. “Right? And tell me, is this _other_ gryphon drenched in blood?”

I looked over my shoulder at the puddle of red that still tarnished my back.

_Fuck._

I chuckled and offered the weakest smile imaginable. “That isn’t her blood?”

* * *

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